But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
