Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
