Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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