I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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