They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
