One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
