I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
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he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
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Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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