No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
