she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
