This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
