If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
