she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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