Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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