I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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