Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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