I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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