my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
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