third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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