guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
