nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
