your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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