It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
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my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
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It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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