Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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