i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
