oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
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