i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
