you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
