I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
