i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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