I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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