i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
