I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
