goodnight i made you a song goodbye
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
