Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
