I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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