Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof