i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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