Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
