I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
