For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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