omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
