so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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