I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
