Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
