So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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