you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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