I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
