How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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