so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he was CRYING into my vagina
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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