How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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