and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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