Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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