At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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