I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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