All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
