why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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