I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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