I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
