I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
