ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
