Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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