I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
